About two years ago, I was blogging fairly regularly, then hit a hard stop. Though I kept the site, I did very little with Rubble Blossom outside of that. Part of me isn’t even sure why I stopped. Writing would come to mind occasionally, but I paid no attention to it, similar to, “in one ear and out the other,” except it was my mind rather than my ears it breezed through. Maybe it “came to mind and promptly left?” Let me be honest, this was not one of my memory issues. I simply didn’t do it when it came to mind that I needed to. Something within me was fighting it, and since I want to be back, it’s time to at least try to figure it out.
It’s been about two years since I stopped blogging, but I started writing a little more for myself several months ago. It began with a morning routine that included writing, yet the writing was pretty focused on things like personal goals and intentions. I found that sometimes I surprised myself with what I wrote. It’s like the truth is inside us all, yet sometimes we don’t or can’t let it out. As the words flowed onto the paper, many times it was similar to a language translation to me. My hand wrote what was inside of me and once I read it, I could tell that it was right, yet I couldn’t just think it and say it. Through this, I understood myself better and, yes, that’s part of why I’m back to blogging, but there’s also the chance that someone out there will find it helpful in their own journey in life. If I can help anyone get through this any easier than I experienced and continue to, I want to.
As I looked back over some of my old blogs, I wondered if I had been getting out of my comfort zone, trying to be honest, yet not fully able to accept it myself. I stopped blogging around the time I had something that I’m still not convinced was a seizure and landed on my face breaking my nose and gashing my head. That’s pretty dangerous for someone who’s already had a craniotomy and I wonder if things were just getting too deep for me to handle myself, much less feel like I could possibly help others. If you want to read more about it, I wrote about it in Third Eye 911.
Before the face-plant, I had been sharing my experiences, thoughts, and feelings more deeply and regularly. I have never wanted to be identified only as, “the brain-tumor lady,” and it took a lot of courage and work to come that far along. I remember starting out with a slightly different name which I still use but isn’t so much of a secret anymore, LahLa. I also didn’t post pictures of myself besides one of my shadow and one only of my eye. Looking back, I find it interesting that I shared a picture of the window to my soul, but not what outfit I was wearing or what color my hair was, ha ha. Retrospect is everything.
Anyway, I shared openly about the seizure, and even blogged a few more times after it, yet I’m concluding that I was getting out of my comfort zone. It took me by surprise and I felt so powerless, hurt and vulnerable that it makes sense why I closed up.
The aftermath of the seizure had hit me hard. I was all-of-the-sudden stuck at home, not driving, dependent on others, or simply going without because at least I didn’t have to keep asking for things. It was demeaning, stripped me of my independence, and felt like instantly becoming twelve again and majorly grounded. I felt like I was in jail and hated everything about it. Even getting groceries was horrible. I’d have to walk and carry everything, get a ride like I need supervision, pay for an Uber or Lyft, or ride my bike with a backpack. I also felt looked and talked down to, judged, like everyone was worried about me like I was about to freak out or something, and really hated doing my time. It was a struggle to stay positive and putting all of that on paper may have just been too much for me at the time. I needed to come to terms and make peace with these after-effects, and as I write now, I really think these were my setbacks.
Thinking back, before I stopped blogging, I was getting deeper into my topics and becoming increasingly open with my feelings and fears. Somewhere along the way I started writing as an actual person, rather than the shadowy-figure I had imagined my writing-self to be when I started. This not only exposed me more to readers and the internet, but made me more consciously aware of my own life, weaknesses, fears, and all I had to lose. As I became better at identifying those feelings and fears, which I’ll talk about later in Part 2, I think I just went too far past my comfort zone, shut down on processing, and closed off on sharing. Some things can be overwhelming and I definitely had too much after the additional pressure of my seizure, face-plant, loss of license, and what felt like house arrest.
As time passed after stopping the blog, I began to feel more at peace with things. I was feeling the need to come back and was thinking seriously about it, when I had, dun dun duh… another likely seizure. It was in public at a conference to boot. We were at my husband’s family-inclusive work trip and was planning on having a good time there, then getting back into blogging shortly after we returned. I managed to pull myself together and still have a good time, which is huge since so many people saw me and I was embarrassed. We got through the rest of the trip better than I would have ever expected, which I’m grateful for. However, once we got home, the totality of my third seizure hit me hard and I rescinded back into the scary depths of hell that powerlessness brought me to.
“One, two, three strikes you’re out you wooor-thless, sei-zure lab rat,“ is the best way I can describe it. Not only would I be limited or dependent again daily, I was also afraid I would never get my license back, possibly ever. It’s not my fault this happened nor is it my fault the medical community doesn’t give a sh!t about figuring it out. I felt stripped, controlled, given up on, thrown away, labeled as nothingless, and …
Indignant, that word just popped into my head and I had to look it up to make sure it was right. Yes, indignant. I was labeled, pronounced, and stripped without the same consideration I’d get if I’d had a parking ticket. It’s like some kind of ranking system and I was instantly demoted without any representation or ability to defend myself or even get proof that it was a seizure in the first place. I was definitely unconscious and I definitely qualified for and complied with the license suspension based on my unconsciousness, yet being labeled a seizure when there were other possibilities that may have other outcomes feels unconstitutional.
So coming home was a “welcome to the reality of what this means,” b!tch-slap ,
and the rest of it all started over again. The reality of blogging openly about my post-brain tumor et cetera life when all I felt was stuck, not only in place but also stuck with all that, possibly for the rest of my life, didn’t contain any inspiration. To be honest, this still haunts me, yet I’ve made it to a place where I can seize the day and figure it out if I ever have to… yet I hope I never do. This includes being able to talk about it if it happens again. I think I can (omg that train popped in my head), “i think i can, I think I Can, I Think I Can, I THINK I CAN.”
As I look all of that back over thinking of why I stopped blogging, I guess I was too scared to share because I was too afraid to know all of it myself maybe? I know I didn’t want to be labeled, yet wanted to help someone if I could. I also know that publishing or posting, getting it out there, seals the deal in a much bigger way than writing something that only I see and know. I think, by not publishing, I wrestled the weight of being vulnerable, being judged, helping others, and validating my own feelings in a way. This took some time to process, yet going forward I know and believe that once you actually process issues you deal with, they become easier to do and less weight to carry. Life feels free again.
Now, through the process of writing this very blog and part two (which have taken the longest of all of them to write by far), I’m really seeing why I stopped. In traumatic events, such as writing words down, extensively identifying and editing them, leads to processing them. Although I did that in Third Eye 911, I wasn’t ready to continue processing all of that when the emergency-mode was over and the third-round of hell kicked in. It was too much for me and I quit trying. What I learned, though, is avoiding these difficult feelings doesn’t make them go away.
While writing this blog, as I relived the same triggers, I didn’t stop. I stayed in my reality, took the time to process them, (which is part of the reason it took so long), and that actually made me feel better. Finally, I could recognize what had been making me feel like I did and bring it to a close. Before these steps, these feelings were like pop-ups of pain, anger, sensitivity, bits of events…a surge of facts and feelings I couldn’t fully identify. As I mentioned, without the words to process them in my thoughts, it was actually tough to figure out what was going on.
Let me touch on the process I mentioned. Knowing I had something to get out, I began to write and, subsequently, had to search for words and re-read to see if it reflected what I was trying to say. Going through several rounds of this helped me process my feelings and even put causes and effects together. It’s like I described earlier, it was in me, and my body knew, but my head didn’t and needed to communicate with itself in a way through revision, to really process the information. The body doesn’t lie, but I think Ramana Maharshi says it much more clearly, “Realization is not acquisition of anything new nor is it a new faculty, it is only removal of all camouflage,” and “Your own self-realization is the greatest service you can render the world.”
When I wasn’t writing I often felt like part of me was missing, and now I’m starting to get it. I was missing processing my own feelings and subsequently being who and where I truly was. Blogging helped me to both understand what was going on, as well as to share my experience in the event that it might help others. My time off had some “safety,” I guess, but that’s not the same as actually living life and growing as a person. Some things that I felt kept me safe also limited me more than I was comfortable with. I’m not one to be constricted, yet, ironically, I did it to myself. After lots of thoughts and realizations, I’m ready to be back.
This blog has obviously been about me, but I’m not the only reason I do it. I know others are going through similar things, whether personally or as a support person. This has not been easy and I want to help others, if I can, to get through things more easily. I obviously get something out of it, but if my experience helps someone else, that feels even better.
Though this particular blog was about my brain tumor experience, I also write about other life stuff, things that have nothing to do with brain tumors. I write about staying healthy, cooking, I share my art, and more because I’m not “the brain tumor lady.” I live life and do other things way more than I think about the tumor that I didn’t want in the first place. If you or someone you love has a brain tumor, I wish you the best and hope this helps.
If anyone has topics they’d like to hear, feel free to reach out. If it fits my experience and I feel comfortable enough sharing, I’ll give it a try. It’s really nice to be back and I sincerely hope that this helps another soul going through a similar situation.
Part 2, (more on the value of language), will be posted this weekend